THE "DASH" GUY

 

Men, if you have recently married or have been married for a while, but have not established who the number one woman is in your life, you are probably experiencing some “drama” between your wife, mother and/or your sisters.

 

As a matter of fact you don’t have to be married, but seriously dating, you may be already dealing with this issue.

 

I hear you asking, “Why is this important?”

 

Because your wife or girlfriend knows that your mother is responsible for giving birth to you, nurturing and caring for you for many years. Therefore; she knows she holds a special place in your heart and life. The same can be said regarding your sisters. They grew up with you and you all have shared many special occasions and memories together.

 

Since these women have a history of many years of love for you, your wife or girlfriend knows they have a lot of influence in your life.  Therefore; she wants to know, “Who is the number one woman in your life?”

 

If you are married, then the decision should be a very easy one. You must establish a healthy boundary for your mother and sisters, by letting them know that your wife is now the number one woman in your life. Yes, you still love them, but your wife comes first.

 

Men, if you fail to “man up” and handle your business in this area, your wife’s “in-laws” may become her “outlaws”, if you don’t deal with this issue properly!!

 

I realize for many of us this can be a difficult process, because many of us have not had our fathers involved in our lives, and Mom has been both our mother and father. Therefore; we feel a great deal of gratitude and loyalty to our mother.  See the About Section for more information on my story. Also, see Dealing With Your Daddy Wounds for more Information.   

 

I know from personal experience the problems this issue can cause in your marriage.

 

During the early years of my marriage, my wife, my mom, and sisters had some difficulties getting along. My mom and sisters would ask me  for help, because of my feeling of loyalty; I would do certain things they asked without discussing it with my wife. As a result, my wife felt disrespected.

 

Once I realized the problems this caused in my relationship with my wife, I knew I had to address this issue with my family. I had to let my mother and sisters know that my wife is now number one and they would have to respect her.

 

Therefore; when they called me afterward and asked for help, I let them know that I would discuss it with my wife and I would let them know what WE decided.  Soon they got the point and started including in their request, “Discuss it with your wife and let me know”.   

 

Now, their relationship is great!! They love and respect my wife and she loves and respects them as well. My mom views my wife as one of her daughters and my sisters see her as their sister.

 

Men, if you fail to deal with this situation; you will always feel like you are caught in a “tug-a-war” between these special women in your life. Once you deal with it properly, by establishing boundaries for your mom and/or sisters, they will be able to respect and hopefully love and appreciate your wife.

 

  

Please provide me your comments on this topic. If you have additional topics you would like to see us discuss, please send me an email or post a comment.

 

Also, refer this site to other men you know, so we all can journey together!! 

 

For the woman in your life, my wife (Sylvia) has a personal development site focused specifically on the needs and concerns of women. The site is called, www.thedashlady.com. 

 

Also, we have a joint site focused on the needs and concerns of couples (i.e. married, engaged, and seriously dating). This site is focused on helping couples to grow together through personal development. The site is called, www.marriagerhythm.com.  

 

Please visit these sites and leave us a comment about the current posts. 

    

Again, thanks for visiting this site.   

 

Randy

The “DASH” Guy

randyclark@thedashguy.com

www.thedashguy.com

Uncategorized in-law issues, love and commitment, marriage

 

A door slams loudly!!

Then a voice from behind the door shouts, “You are not my daddy!! You can’t tell me what to do!!!” 

This kind of exchange is far too often the norm and represents the “battle cry” between a step-father and his step-child.

Some of you may have heard these exact words or something similar in your own home during an angry exchange with your step-child.

Research indicates that marriages involving “blended” families have only a 20% chance of surviving, due to the complex relationships that exists within this family unit. This family unit may consist of his children, her children, and our children. Also, it may include relationships with the other biological parents to the children involved, particularly if any of the children are minors.

Depending on the ages of the children involved, the amount of conflict and stress that exists in these family units may be more than a lot of men are willing to endure. Normally, the younger the children the easier it is for the step-father to be accepted into his new family. If there are teenagers and adult children involved in the family unit, the more difficult it is to “win” the acceptance of the step-children.

Unfortunately, too many men make a common mistake early in the marriage, which contributes to a lot of the problems in these family units.   They are too anxious to establish themselves as the “head” of this new family, so they try to “impose” their rules and system of discipline into the life of a child who is already accustom to the system established by the mother.

Men, if you try to discipline your step-child without a relationship of love, it is a disaster waiting to happen!!  The child will reject your attempt to discipline them and rebel against you.

What can a step-father do to help to minimize the negative impact of his presence in his new family?

The following are five suggestions to help a step-father to “gel” with his new family.

1.)   The step-father must realize that he is not marrying just the mother, but he is marrying a woman with a child(ren). They are a “package deal”.

2.)   He should work hard to establish a relationship with the child(ren) before the marriage occurs. If he is not able to establish a healthy relationship with the child(ren), he should think long and hard about if this relationship is the right one for him.

Oftentimes, children will “fight” against their mother’s new relationship, because it is a threat to what they may be hoping for, which is for their parents to get back together.       

3.)   He should let the child know he is not trying to take the place of their biological father, but he does care about them and want to have a good relationship with them.  

During this conversation, he should discuss with the child what they will call him. The child may or may not want to refer to him as Dad. However; the name they agree on should be something that shows him respect. In other words, the child should not call the step-father by his first name. If they do, it should include the title “Mr.” (ex. Mr. John).

4.)   He should let the child know that he is not trying to take their mother away from them. Since they both love her, they can share her love, because she loves them both.

5.)   He should slowly and cautiously implement any new rules or changes in the home, only after discussing them with his wife and getting her support. The step-father needs to make sure he has his wife’s buy-in on the changes, otherwise; the children will seek their mother’s help in rebelling against the proposed changes. 

Yes, the odds are against the survival of a “blended” family, but a large portion of the success or failure of this family unit is based on how the step-father handles his role in his new family.

If the step-father works to build relationships of love in his new family, he will be accepted into the family as a friend. If he tries to impose his will on the family, without healthy relationships built on love, he will be perceive as a foe, and rejected by the family.

 

Please provide me your comments on this topic. If you have additional topics you would like to see us discuss, please send me an email or post a comment.

Also, refer this site to other men you know, so we all can journey together!! 

For the woman in your life, my wife (Sylvia) has a personal development site focused specifically on the needs and concerns of women. The site is called, www.thedashlady.com. 

Also, we have a joint site focused on the needs and concerns of couples (i.e. married, engaged, and seriously dating). This site is focused on helping couples to grow together through personal development. The site is called, www.marriagerhythm.com.  

Please visit these sites and leave us a comment about the current posts. 

Again, thanks for visiting this site.   

Randy

The “DASH” Guy

randyclark@thedashguy.com

www.thedashguy.com

Uncategorized blended family, fatherhood, manhood, parenting, step-dad, step-father, step-parent

 

I hear you asking, “Why do I need a Plan B?”  The answer is, because you need another option when your initial plan (Plan A) does not work out.

I know that sound very elementary for some of you, but you will be surprised how many people who go through life with one plan or no plan at all.

If any man wants to have true success in his life and achieve his long-term goals, he must have a Plan B.

So what is a Plan B?

A Plan B is a secondary option that you have put together, which can be executed, if something or someone interrupts or interferes with your initial plan. The interruption may come in the form of a change in your management, a change in your health, a change in your financial situation, a change in your employment status, etc. 

Let me shed some light on what I am talking about by using my own experience.

My last job in corporate America was in 2007. I was a Security Manager, with a Fortune 200 Company in the Dallas area. I had been with this company for almost 12 years and had been very successful. I was a mid-level manager, with a 6-figure income and a staff of about 50 people (employees and contractors).

However, my job situation started to change very quickly after the head of my organization retired; he was my manager’s manager. He was two levels above me on the organization chart.  

To make a long story, shorter, a new manager took over with a different agenda. The new manager told my manager that the managers in his organization did not have a security background (which was true) and they needed to find another position. 

A few months later, one of the other managers in my group and my direct manager, retired “un-expectantly”. 

In just a few months, I not only lost friends and colleagues, but the environment drastically changed for me. I knew I had to start executing my Plan B, because I was next on the list.

My wife and I already had a small business that we were working part-time; I now started to give this business more focus, because it now became a big part of my future.

I was able to leave my corporate job with a little more confidence and control, because I knew what I was going to do, I had a Plan B is place.

Recently, a lot of people were “caught” off guard when they received a “pink” slip and lost their job. Many did not have a Plan B in place; therefore; they did not know what they were going to do next. (See What Happens When a Man Lose His Job – Part 1, What Happens When a Man Lose His Job – Part 2 and Man,  Somebody Moved My Cheese for more information on this topic.)

Since you never know when someone else will make a “bone-head” decision that may cost you your job, you need to have a Plan B already in place.  

In the future, I will be sharing more information about how to develop a Plan B and provide some Plan B options.  

If you would like more personalize assistance in developing your Plan B, feel free to contact via email and I will follow up with you.

 

Please provide me your comments on this topic. If you have additional topics you would like to see us discuss, please send me an email or post a comment.

Also, refer this site to other men you know, so we all can journey together!! 

For the woman in your life, my wife (Sylvia) has a personal development site focused specifically on the needs and concerns of women. The site is called, www.thedashlady.com. 

Also, we have a joint site focused on the needs and concerns of couples (i.e. married, engaged, and seriously dating). This site is focused on helping couples to grow together through personal development. The site is called, www.marriagerhythm.com.  

Please visit these sites and leave us a comment about the current posts. 

Again, thanks for visiting this site.   

 

Randy

The “DASH” Guy

randyclark@thedashguy.com

www.thedashguy.com

Uncategorized achievement, dreams, self-improvement, success

 Recently, I had the privilege to re-read one of my all-time favorite books; “Who Moved My Cheese?” by Spencer Johnson M.D. If you have never read this book, I encourage you to get a copy and read it ASAP. (Click on the link in the Recommended Resource Section to purchase a copy now).

 

This book focuses on the different perspectives individuals have regarding the changes in their lives. These changes can occur in any area of our life (i.e. personal life, career, financial status, etc.)

 

Also, the book talks about how our “fears” and resistance to change, sometimes paralyzes and prevents us from moving forward to seize the new opportunities (“new cheese”) available to us.

 

The “cheese” in the book is a metaphor for the things we want in life (i.e. relationships, careers, financial status, security, etc.). The backdrop of the book is a “maze”, which represents the various places where we look for what we want (i.e. work, family, community, etc.).

 

In light of the major changes many individuals and families have experienced lately due to the poor economy, I encourage you to read this book, even if you have read it before.

 

As I read the book, I was reminded of the need for me to be aware of and assess what is occurring around me at all times. Also, to face the facts of what I see during this assessment and the courage to implement the changes I need to make regardless to how fearful, uncomfortable or indifferent I may feel about the changes.

 

Yes, I hear you saying, “Why is that important?”

 

In the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?” the author uses four characters to portrait the various perspectives individuals have when faced with changes in their life. The characters are two mice (Sniff and Scurry) and two little people (Hem and Haw). 

 

The Sniff character represents those individuals who are seldom surprised by changes, because they are constantly assessing the situation around them. They read about market trends, the latest fads, new technologies, etc. They welcome the change and see the change as a challenge and a new opportunity.

 

The Scurry character represents those individuals who are busy trying to develop and implement a strategic plan to take advantage of the new opportunities available to them.   

  

Both Sniff and Scurry understand the importance of embracing the change and the potential benefits the new opportunities presences to them.

 

The Haw character represents those individuals that are somewhat resistance to change. They like things just the way they are. Their life motto is; “If it is not broken, leave it along!!”. However; if they are faced with a “do or die” situation, they will make the necessary changes to survive.

 

Finally, there is the Hem character; this individual is very resistance to change. He is in opposition to any suggestion of changing. He is very comfortable and satisfied with things just as they are. So much so, that his resistance to change may be to his detriment.

 

Why am I telling you about this book and these characters?

 

Because each of us must determine, which of these characters is more reflective of our perspective? In other words, what is my perspective about change? Our perspective regarding change and our response or reaction to the changes that occur in our lives will ultimately determine what we will be able to accomplish in life and the quality of our lives.

 

I have learned a couple principles in my life that I believe can help us deal with the changes that are going to occur.

 

First of all, we must guard against complacency. Life is not a “static” journey; we must realize that every thing in our lives that is growing is changing. Therefore; we must remain flexible, if we want to receive the benefits that life has to offer. 

 

Secondly, we must guard against the “common” thinking of our day. We live in a society where people often “judge” others and assess their own “value” based on some defective criteria (i.e. how much money you earn; where you live; what you do for a living; your educational level; etc.).

 

If we accept this way of thinking, when things change in our lives (i.e. lost of a job, financial setbacks, divorce, etc.), it can have a very negative impact in our life. In other words, many will experience a lowering in their self-esteem and sense of self-worth as a result of the changes.

 

Therefore; my personal philosophy in life to guard against these tendencies is to remain flexible, don’t hold on too tight to the things of life, because they are only temporal. Also, don’t allow other people and things to define who you are, because life consists of “seasons” and just like in nature; each season has a purpose in helping to mold, shape and help us to grow in certain areas in our life. 

 

Remember in life, changes will occur (our “cheese” will get moved), we must decide if we will embrace the change and seek out new opportunities or try to hold on to the past and that which is familiar and comfortable, ultimately wasting time and potential by gazing at a door that has been closed.

 

Please provide me your comments on this topic. If you have additional topics you would like to see us discuss, please send me an email or post a comment.

 

Also, refer this site to other men you know, so we all can journey together!! 

 

For the woman in your life, my wife (Sylvia) has a personal development site focused specifically on the needs and concerns of women. The site is called, www.thedashlady.com. 

 

Also, we have a joint site focused on the needs and concerns of couples (i.e. married, engaged, and seriously dating). This site is focused on helping couples to grow together through personal development. The site is called, www.marriagerhythm.com.  

 

Please visit these sites and leave us a comment about the current posts. 

    

Again, thanks for visiting this site.   

 

Randy

The “DASH” Guy

randyclark@thedashguy.com

www.thedashguy.com

Uncategorized achievement, men issues, men needs, success