Step-Father: Friend or Foe
A door slams loudly!!
Then a voice from behind the door shouts, “You are not my daddy!! You can’t tell me what to do!!!”
This kind of exchange is far too often the norm and represents the “battle cry” between a step-father and his step-child.
Some of you may have heard these exact words or something similar in your own home during an angry exchange with your step-child.
Research indicates that marriages involving “blended” families have only a 20% chance of surviving, due to the complex relationships that exists within this family unit. This family unit may consist of his children, her children, and our children. Also, it may include relationships with the other biological parents to the children involved, particularly if any of the children are minors.
Depending on the ages of the children involved, the amount of conflict and stress that exists in these family units may be more than a lot of men are willing to endure. Normally, the younger the children the easier it is for the step-father to be accepted into his new family. If there are teenagers and adult children involved in the family unit, the more difficult it is to “win” the acceptance of the step-children.
Unfortunately, too many men make a common mistake early in the marriage, which contributes to a lot of the problems in these family units. They are too anxious to establish themselves as the “head” of this new family, so they try to “impose” their rules and system of discipline into the life of a child who is already accustom to the system established by the mother.
Men, if you try to discipline your step-child without a relationship of love, it is a disaster waiting to happen!! The child will reject your attempt to discipline them and rebel against you.
What can a step-father do to help to minimize the negative impact of his presence in his new family?
The following are five suggestions to help a step-father to “gel” with his new family.
1.) The step-father must realize that he is not marrying just the mother, but he is marrying a woman with a child(ren). They are a “package deal”.
2.) He should work hard to establish a relationship with the child(ren) before the marriage occurs. If he is not able to establish a healthy relationship with the child(ren), he should think long and hard about if this relationship is the right one for him.
Oftentimes, children will “fight” against their mother’s new relationship, because it is a threat to what they may be hoping for, which is for their parents to get back together.
3.) He should let the child know he is not trying to take the place of their biological father, but he does care about them and want to have a good relationship with them.
During this conversation, he should discuss with the child what they will call him. The child may or may not want to refer to him as Dad. However; the name they agree on should be something that shows him respect. In other words, the child should not call the step-father by his first name. If they do, it should include the title “Mr.” (ex. Mr. John).
4.) He should let the child know that he is not trying to take their mother away from them. Since they both love her, they can share her love, because she loves them both.
5.) He should slowly and cautiously implement any new rules or changes in the home, only after discussing them with his wife and getting her support. The step-father needs to make sure he has his wife’s buy-in on the changes, otherwise; the children will seek their mother’s help in rebelling against the proposed changes.
Yes, the odds are against the survival of a “blended” family, but a large portion of the success or failure of this family unit is based on how the step-father handles his role in his new family.
If the step-father works to build relationships of love in his new family, he will be accepted into the family as a friend. If he tries to impose his will on the family, without healthy relationships built on love, he will be perceive as a foe, and rejected by the family.
Please provide me your comments on this topic. If you have additional topics you would like to see us discuss, please send me an email or post a comment.
Also, refer this site to other men you know, so we all can journey together!!
For the woman in your life, my wife (Sylvia) has a personal development site focused specifically on the needs and concerns of women. The site is called, www.thedashlady.com.
Also, we have a joint site focused on the needs and concerns of couples (i.e. married, engaged, and seriously dating). This site is focused on helping couples to grow together through personal development. The site is called, www.marriagerhythm.com.
Please visit these sites and leave us a comment about the current posts.
Again, thanks for visiting this site.
Randy
The “DASH” Guy
Great Article. It was very insightful and full of wisdom. Keep up the good work and I will have to check out the other family sites and share with my friends
Hi Grover,
Thanks for visiting my site.
Please make sure you request your FREE copy of my report, “10 Ways Dads Can Positively Impact Their Child”,
These are principles I used in raising my kids. I think you will like them.
Please share this site with other men who can benefit from the content.
Randy
Randy,
This is very good information. Fortunately I haven’t had a problem being accepted by my step-children, but that does not mean that problems can’t
crop up in the future. I will forward this information to all of my male
contacts because I can see where portions of this can be applied to
biological children also. I will ask my wife to review Sylvia’s site.
David Price
Hi David,
Thanks for visiting my site. I am glad you found the article helpful. More importantly, I am glad you have a great relationship with your step-children.
Please pass the link to my site to other men who can benefit from the content.
Again, thanks!
Randy
This was a very inspirational article that a lot of men need to witness because of the backwards thinking of society and the common threat that some step-fathers are labeled as. Sometime the easiest approach is the simplest approach but we as men need to share the wisdom of those that have been successful in blended families. I’ve taken my bumps and bruises but thanks for shedding light on a situation that can cut deep to those who are not aware of the full implications a blended family can bring.
Hi Myron,
Thanks for visiting my site. I appreciate your encouraging words. It is my desire to help other men to be better men, husbands, fathers, employees, and employers by sharing what I have learned throughout the years. I am grateful for the various men who have “poured” into my life their wisdom.
Please pass the link to this site on to other men who can benefit from the content. http://www.thedashguy.com
Also, check out the articles written in June, I focused a lot on Fatherhood issues, since it is the month of Fathers Day.
P.S. I who you requested your FREE copy of my report, 10 Ways Dads Can Positively Impact Their Child” on my website. These are principles I used in raising my three adult children.
Again, thanks!!
Randy
The “DASH” Guy
randyclark@thedashguy.com
http://www.thedashguy.com
Once again very good article. I will be on the look out for your new book. As i stated before, I try to take trials that have occured in my life and look for the positive. After my mom died I asked GOD the question of why so early. A couple of years later when my dad remarried I felt that my mom was being forgotten, and didn’t understand why God was sending me through so many changes so quickly. It wasn’t until i got married that I begin to understand the answers to these questions. By going through the experience as a child who’s father remarried I begin to relize that GOD was preparing me to live on the other side of the “step” role. I would say that the trials that my children and I have had has been normal father and children incidents and not “step” incidents. There have been a few but most of the backlash has come from outside sources because of our relationship. As a man we all want to hear the word “dad”, but i learned to realize that words do not define your role in a childs life it is your actions. Any conversation I have had with my children all I ask is for them to be respectful and honest, because that is what I will always give them in return.I truly believe that if GOD had not allowed me to go through what I had been through and lived both sides of the “step”, my family would be part of the 80%. I don’t know if I am a friend or foe ( you would have to ask them).Which ever category I fall under it cannot seperate the love and respect that I have for them. I also learned that as a man and dealing with a blended family you have to learn to put your pride aside and learn how to compromise more often. I am looking forward to reading your next article.
Hi Son,
Sounds like you have a lot of experience to share as well.
Isn’t it ironic that God carries us through experiences earlier in our life so that we will be prepared for what He has in store for us later in life.
I am glad and thankful for your attitude regarding your children (and my grandchildren) , you are a GREAT DAD to them.
Check out the article, “What is a Dad?” on my site. I think they will provide additional inside into this parent child relationship.
Maybe you can provide an article for my site on the “blended” family, I think it will help a lot of other men.
Thanks for sharing., I know someone else will benefit from your comments.
Randy
The “DASH” Guy
randyclark@thedashguy.com
http://www.thedashguy.com