Step-Father: Friend or Foe
A door slams loudly!!
Then a voice from behind the door shouts, “You are not my daddy!! You can’t tell me what to do!!!”
This kind of exchange is far too often the norm and represents the “battle cry” between a step-father and his step-child.
Some of you may have heard these exact words or something similar in your own home during an angry exchange with your step-child.
Research indicates that marriages involving “blended” families have only a 20% chance of surviving, due to the complex relationships that exists within this family unit. This family unit may consist of his children, her children, and our children. Also, it may include relationships with the other biological parents to the children involved, particularly if any of the children are minors.
Depending on the ages of the children involved, the amount of conflict and stress that exists in these family units may be more than a lot of men are willing to endure. Normally, the younger the children the easier it is for the step-father to be accepted into his new family. If there are teenagers and adult children involved in the family unit, the more difficult it is to “win” the acceptance of the step-children.
Unfortunately, too many men make a common mistake early in the marriage, which contributes to a lot of the problems in these family units. They are too anxious to establish themselves as the “head” of this new family, so they try to “impose” their rules and system of discipline into the life of a child who is already accustom to the system established by the mother.
Men, if you try to discipline your step-child without a relationship of love, it is a disaster waiting to happen!! The child will reject your attempt to discipline them and rebel against you.
What can a step-father do to help to minimize the negative impact of his presence in his new family?
The following are five suggestions to help a step-father to “gel” with his new family.
1.) The step-father must realize that he is not marrying just the mother, but he is marrying a woman with a child(ren). They are a “package deal”.
2.) He should work hard to establish a relationship with the child(ren) before the marriage occurs. If he is not able to establish a healthy relationship with the child(ren), he should think long and hard about if this relationship is the right one for him.
Oftentimes, children will “fight” against their mother’s new relationship, because it is a threat to what they may be hoping for, which is for their parents to get back together.
3.) He should let the child know he is not trying to take the place of their biological father, but he does care about them and want to have a good relationship with them.
During this conversation, he should discuss with the child what they will call him. The child may or may not want to refer to him as Dad. However; the name they agree on should be something that shows him respect. In other words, the child should not call the step-father by his first name. If they do, it should include the title “Mr.” (ex. Mr. John).
4.) He should let the child know that he is not trying to take their mother away from them. Since they both love her, they can share her love, because she loves them both.
5.) He should slowly and cautiously implement any new rules or changes in the home, only after discussing them with his wife and getting her support. The step-father needs to make sure he has his wife’s buy-in on the changes, otherwise; the children will seek their mother’s help in rebelling against the proposed changes.
Yes, the odds are against the survival of a “blended” family, but a large portion of the success or failure of this family unit is based on how the step-father handles his role in his new family.
If the step-father works to build relationships of love in his new family, he will be accepted into the family as a friend. If he tries to impose his will on the family, without healthy relationships built on love, he will be perceive as a foe, and rejected by the family.
Please provide me your comments on this topic. If you have additional topics you would like to see us discuss, please send me an email or post a comment.
Also, refer this site to other men you know, so we all can journey together!!
For the woman in your life, my wife (Sylvia) has a personal development site focused specifically on the needs and concerns of women. The site is called, www.thedashlady.com.
Also, we have a joint site focused on the needs and concerns of couples (i.e. married, engaged, and seriously dating). This site is focused on helping couples to grow together through personal development. The site is called, www.marriagerhythm.com.
Please visit these sites and leave us a comment about the current posts.
Again, thanks for visiting this site.
Randy
The “DASH” Guy
